The End of My Old Life

November 13th, 2023, will always be one of the hardest days of my life. At the end of last year, I broke up with my long-time girlfriend of nine years. I had to face the reality that the family and life I had built with her were coming to an end, and I was going to lose her and our dog, Remi. We tried our best to make it work, but no matter what we did, one fact remained: we wanted different things in life. I was ready to settle down and start a family, but she wasn’t ready. She wanted to travel the world, see new things, and be free to do the things she had always dreamed of. I valued wanting a family more than the relationship and she valued freedom. Neither of us was wrong in pursuing these things, but we couldn’t hold each other back from what we needed.

Personally, I’ve gone through all the stages of grief this year. I had the hardest time believing that it was over. It has been eye-opening how there can still be so much love, and yet it still can’t work out. I am proud of myself and the resolve I have in wanting a future family, even at the cost of the one I had. Although I don’t want to say our relationship was perfect, there were lots of issues we needed to work through. Our communication wasn’t the best, and toward the end of the relationship, we lost that friendship that is so important in a romantic relationship. I heard a quote this year that stuck with me: “No one leaves a good relationship.” The fact that both of us were ready to call it quits meant that maybe we both felt this relationship had ran its course. I will always be grateful to Britt; she has shown me the importance of loving another person unconditionally, loving animals, and being kind to others.

I remember telling her while we were still together that 2023 was the best year ever so far. We traveled the world and saw Europe and Japan together. We had done so many things together. Looking back now in late 2024, it’s definitely been a hard year, but hard times also mean a chance at growing as a person. Hard times helped me reflect on what I could do better as a human being. This year has overshadowed 2023 as the best year because it’s been a year full of both failure and triumph. I have grown so much as a person this year that I am proud of the person I am becoming.

The Struggle Within Me

However, this struggle wasn’t the first time I had faced feelings of discontent in my life. I recently read a journal entry from July 26, 2020, that reflected the struggles I was going through. The summary of the journal entry was that I was unhappy with the way I lived my life. The pandemic kept me inside. I was not focused on my job and only cared about the money I was making. I wasn’t working out and was getting out of shape and skinnier. I was addicted to social media (Reddit) and video games. I was distracted in life and was just living aimlessly without any purpose or goal. Fast forward to 2023, and it’s almost the same story. The only difference was that the pandemic was over, and I was able to go out and travel the world. I had fallen into the hedonic treadmill of an easy life and was trying to get my happiness from easy pleasures. My weekends consisted of me waking up late, scrolling on my phone for hours before getting up to smoke weed and play video games. I would get too lazy to go out and would order food in and not leave the house. I had fallen into the trap of modern life’s convenience. These traits were not those of a good father. How could I want a family if I was lazy, unmotivated, and undisciplined? My work kept giving me raises, and I lost myself in the money. Everything became easier because I relied on the money. I was eating out daily for lunch and dinner. I could afford to go on lots of vacations. I used money to buy convenience, and it damaged my character. By the time of our breakup, I was already unhappy with myself and hadn’t put in the work to change. I have always been a non-empathetic person, and it’s something I knew I needed to work on. When the breakup happened, I fell into a deep depression with suicidal thoughts. These feelings made me realize how much work I needed to do on myself and how unhappy I was with the person I am.

The Work on Myself

I started working out after the breakup in November as a way to cope with the stress and depression. I quit social media and deleted my Reddit account. I quit video games because I knew I needed to spend more time working on myself, with the goal of becoming a more empathetic person. After realizing I needed help, I went to a therapist to start therapy at the beginning of this year in January. My therapist helped me process my thoughts and feelings and gave me tools and practices to become a more empathetic person. I started opening up more to the people around me. I gained more meaningful relationships this way. People connected with me deeply through the struggles I’ve had because they had experienced them too, and we understood each other better. I started becoming more aware of my negative thoughts and journaled to help process those feelings. Through therapy, I mended my relationship with my mom. I had always held my mom in contempt because I saw traits in her that I hated in myself. This made me unfairly angry with her, and I always assumed the worst intentions from her. During a therapy session, I realized that I was projecting the hate I had for myself onto my mom. I have since had a conversation with her about why I felt the way I did. I now realize how loving and kind my mother is, and we’ve been close ever since.

The Person I Am Now

I am someone who tries his best at everything I do. I try my best to be mindful of my actions and thoughts. I am physically active and take care of my mind, body, and soul. I know I’m not perfect and will sometimes fail at the things I try, but I know that I will improve through failure. As I learn to be more confident in myself, I hope to inspire and influence others around me to be the best they can be. In return, they will inspire me to be better. I know that I need to work on myself, and every day I have the chance to be a better version of myself. My daily practices of exercising, journaling, and meditation have helped me be more focused at work, be more present, and stay healthy. I now know that true happiness comes from within, not from external sources. I am grateful for the life I’ve been granted, and I will make the most of it. I will die someday, and I want to live my life the way I want it to be surrounded by loved ones and people who make me happy.

If I ever fail to do what my future self needs me to do. I will come back to this post and remember whats important to me.

‘You have power over your mind - not outside events. Realize this, and you will find strength.’ - Marcus Aurelius